Please Note: This exercise can be used as the start of ending someone’s addiction to porn and/or reduce a woman’s belief that a guy watches porn because she’s somehow not good enough.
Porn is a popular topic… it’s not necessarily “popular”, but it is popular… this post is off to a great start, isn’t it? When I say porn is “popular,” I mean it gets talked about a lot at least in the mental health and comedy worlds I’m in. The challenge of porn starts with the question: How do you define it when different cultures see things differently? For instance, some cultures see some sexual things as art or natural. In London I remember seeing the “Sunshine Girl” in the public newspaper sans top. It was so magnificent as a nineteen year old I had to use a French word there. It was tres awesome… again with the French. In some cultures stores like La Senza and La Vie En Rose (notice the French) use ads that could be considered pornographic. My wife claims music videos are porn… if you’re a young person, a music video is what old people like me used to watch on MTV or MuchMusic… MTV and MuchMusic were TV stations… TV stations are like… never mind. Young people miss out on all the great things I loved as a teen. For this situation, I will define porn as a visual aid used to turn themselves on for the purpose of helping themselves reach completion. If you don’t understand what “completion” is just ask… pretty much anyone else because it should be self explanatory. In this post I’m not justifying the use of porn, but I do want to add to the understanding to reduce how insulted some women are when their man uses it.
As I’ve done in a number of other posts like “Why people drink” and “Why people have affairs”, I will be using the exercise:
- Action
- Intention
The ‘action’ in this case is watch porn. Like any action, there are many possibilities for why someone would do it and this exercise helps expand the assumptions to more than the initial reaction in order to give the potential for better understanding . For instance, many women assume their partners use porn as an attack on them personally like they’re not attractive enough or good enough in bed, but this is rarely the case. If anything, the guy watching porn is doing his best not think about his partner. What should be noted is men are more likely to watch porn because they don’t feel emotionally safe with their partner or they feel desperate in some way. Basically, a guy watching porn is less about partner and more about the guy and his own issues. If given the choice of sex with your partner or watching porn the majority of guys are choosing sex unless something is very off in the relationship.
Please Note: The worst part of porn use is how some guys (emphasis on “some) assume women want sex at random with any random guy without any need for emotional connection. These men are dumb and likely have the maturity of an unripe carrot. At the same time, of course, there are women who perpetuate this myth because they sell themselves short and sleep around on a whim.
Please Note As Well: If a guy chooses to watch porn, for whatever reason, he needs to be very careful not to let it consume too much of his time. It can be very addictive. This is important to note because no one on their death bed says, “Life would’ve been better if I had watched more porn.” The guy also needs to be careful that it doesn’t warp his sense of reality: “But the girls in the videos didn’t have emotions or a need for foreplay?” It’s no different than watching movies like Deadpool where people are killed without a second thought. This isn’t reality and it becomes dangerous when it starts to be seen as such.
Possible Reasons Why Men Watch Porn
- To help reach climax
- They’re lonely
- They’re bored
- They’re horny and can’t be with their partner for whatever reason
- It’s a coping tool for dealing with life feeling tough
- It’s a coping tool for dealing with a partner who is destroying him emotionally
- It’s routine (e.g. part of bedtime routine to relax)
- To backhandedly punish his partner after a fight
- It’s an addiction
- It’s an easy way to procrastinate
- It’s exciting
- It can feel empowering as you insert yourself into the situation and have girls want “you”
- He’s too shy and insecure to deal with women directly so he settles for less
- He’s older and needs help to initiate an interest in sex in order to be with his partner, which makes it arguably medicinal
- It’s something a couple does in order to get in the mood for each other
- There’s a lack of self control
- It’s a distraction from life (aka an escape)
- It’s a distraction from hurt emotional or physical
- He simply enjoys watching sexual material
- It’s a chance to see a fantasy lived out
- He’s trying to learn tips to be better at sex
- Everyone else is doing it
- It helps him feel young an attractive
- Curiousity
- The risk of getting caught is thrilling
- It’s easier than trying to reconnect with his partner after a fight
- He feels too unattractive and/or undeserving of actual sex
- He wants to make sure his “system” still works
- He justifies it as a way to help him not have an actual affair
- To see a new person naked (i.e. guys don’t typically just look at one girl when they look at porn)
- It’s simply a visual stimulant to help the end game (e.g. when at the sperm bank)
- He gets to see people do stuff he’ll never do
- He’s desensitized to simpler things
- To see a woman actually excited about sex
As this points out there are many potential reasons a guy watches porn and sometimes the main reason(s) changes. What I like about this exercise is it helps remind us that just because we feel something is the reason, doesn’t mean it actually is especially because an action is rarely the result of one singular intention; actions are normally connected to a number of intentions, which even the person guilty of the act can miss without options being presented. It can be a challenge to understand what’s under the surface, but this exercise can help since it gives a starting point to consider what are the top three factors likely at play.
This week may you find better patience and understanding for others.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people