As a therapist I have seen my share of couples who are dealing with infidelity. One of the challenges a couple faces at a time like this is understanding why or how this can happen. The bottom line is we’re all capable of cheating; it just takes the right timing and circumstances, which is why couples need to protect themselves with boundaries and healthy routines. For couples seeing me as a therapist there are three main reasons for the affair. The first reason is fun… for no one. I’m essentially a referee for the one person telling the other they’ve been cheating as a way out of the relationship. This makes for an awkward moment… although, if you like reality TV (I don’t) I guess it’d be like a live taping. Fortunately, this is the least likely reason they’re seeing me. The other two reasons happen about the same amount in my office. First, the one partner was cheating because he (I’m writing “he” because he/she is annoying; both women and men have affairs, but this is easier for writing and reading) has been feeling neglected and unappreciated for a long time. Out of this hurt and neglect, this person ends up developing a connection with someone else and it crosses boundaries into the affair zone whether it’s a sexting or a physical affair. If you could go back in time and ask this person if he thought he would ever cheat he would say no and mean it. How many people watch a movie where a character has an affair and the viewer is cheering “Yeah, that’s the right thing to do. You should have another affair. Two is better than one!” Unfortunately, life happens and suddenly this person finds himself in a position he never thought possible. He is now the “bad” guy. He is the one people judge and condemn. This person can sometimes end up resenting the original partner for putting him in a position where he was able to do this, but regardless, there is typically a flood of guilt and shame when the affair is found out. When the couple is seeing me for an affair like this when the one person was particularly neglectful, this makes healing especially difficult because now I’m working with two people who are very hurt. With both hurting, where do you start the healing? The cheated has to face all the pain and rejection of being cheated on while the cheater has to deal with the years of hurt that put him into this position in the first place. For healing it’s a lot easier when one person can suck up for awhile and prove how sorry he or she is, but this is different because how can you ask just one person to be sucking up for awhile when he or she is so hurt too? The only way for this to work is if both sides are willing to humble themselves enough to admit their mistakes and be willing to do what it takes to help heal the other person without accusing and shaming.
The other main reason people cheat is they get caught up in a moment and/or experience that blinds them from their commitment. This is how we are all capable of cheating even the strongest of couples because we can be blind. This reason for cheating is connected to the three main phases of a relationship:
- The Hunt: The hunt is exciting and involves the hope of finding someone. This is the thrilling moment of meeting a sexy and/or charming stranger, which is the phase that helps make many TV shows and movies more exciting to watch as you wonder if the two characters will end up together.
- The Honeymoon: Trading in the hope of meeting someone you now have the excitement of connecting with someone. The honeymoon phase is the time you’re both on your best behavior and discovering new things… you know, what you can’t do with someone you’ve been committed to for awhile.
- The Relationship: Welcome to the time we trade in all excitement for comfort and stability. This is the time of building a future together. You know when this phase is on when you’re both comfortable enough to pass gas and change in front of the other without a thought. This is the phase we can be at risk of taking each other for granted and becoming predictable and boring. This is the phase that needs routine date nights and sex times because spontaneity usually means resting and watching TV because you’re so tired and no longer on best behavior.
Based on these three phases I’m sure you can see why someone in the third phase might end up getting sucked into the fantasy of the first two levels. It typically has nothing to do with the other person in the relationship doing enough or being enough as much as the cheater becomes blinded by the opportunity of a thrill. The thrill makes the guilt worth it, and any initial guilt soon disappears the more the flirting continues and it becomes an exciting honeymoon phase… that is until you get caught and all the guilt rushes back like a tsunami. Of the two situations, this is the preferred scenario as far as healing goes because there is one clear person who will suck up for awhile and focus on helping the other person heal. It’s not easy, but it’s easier when the cheater doesn’t have years of hurt to address as well.
The best way to protect your relationship is to have strong boundaries in place like open email and texting access for the partner, avoid secrets, and doing your best to be having enough emotional and physical intimacy to protect yourself from any possible relationship intruders.
Rev. Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people