People who have affairs are stupid. I don’t mean that an as insult; it’s more of a fact… sometimes. Some people who have affairs are just stupid. Most people who are caught having affairs will adamantly admit what they did was stupid (even if what was stupid to them was getting caught). What many find surprising is that most people who cheat are actually really nice people the ones you’d never think would do it. In fact, the people most likely to have affairs are the ones most adamant that they could never do that kind of a thing… until it happens. Meanwhile, wise people know we’re all capable of cheating in some form, which is why we need healthy boundaries to protect us from being stupid. After all, we’re all capable of being stupid from time to time (even if what’s stupid is thinking they would never do anything stupid).
From my experience as a therapist, there are only a couple different types of people who have affairs; it’s pretty straight forward when you see the patterns.
- Hurt People: One study I read found that over 80% of affairs are by people who are trying to cope with pain. Typically, this pain is caused by their partner who is distant and/or constantly using condescending tones, looks, and words that slowly chip away at the person’s soul. These hurt people are stupid because they should’ve addressed the source of the hurt and found better coping mechanisms. Instead, these often very nice people get themselves in trouble. It started innocently enough with a message here and there, but soon the messages are regularly going back and forth as there’s a rush of excitement every time a message is received from the other person. As the messages increase, so does the flirting, and it’s not long before the partner of the person messaging starts to notice something is off like how excited they are looking at their phone, which will lead to accusations, fights, and/or the messages being discovered. Whether this hurt person actually meets up with the one they message for a rendezvous depends on the situation and how long the messaging continues before being caught. Most people say they would never have met up with them, but these are the same people who said they’d never cheat, so who really knows. Sometimes the person cheating gets sloppy like part of them wants to be caught because they feel so torn; they can’t deny they have feelings for this other person now, and the guilt has kicked in hard. They’re caught in this horrible spot where they feel terrible for doing something they know they shouldn’t, but the only thing that helps them with the pain of their relationship and the guilt of messaging is continuing to message as it is their main coping mechanism. These are usually very nice people who really just want their partner to love them and not chip away at their soul anymore with their jab comments, constant -complaining, and eye rolls. When Hurt People get caught, I have found there’s a high chance of the original relationship working as they’re very sorry for what they did. The key, however, is to also help remove the reason for their original need to find a coping mechanism in the first place or this new level of guilt on top of the original pain will destroy them emotionally. The bottom line is, if someone is looking for comfort from another person, the problem that led to it needs to be addressed and healthy boundaries established for there to be a healthy future, but this is a challenge because this person has a tendency to bottle up their feelings and blame themselves.
- Looking for a Way Out People: When I work with couples, there’s a group of people having affairs because they want the relationship to be over, but they don’t have the courage to end things properly and they need someone pushing them to do it. These people are stupid because if they really want to end the relationship, they should do it because it’s an unhealthy relationship and not because they’re trading in. People aren’t meant to be treated like cars. This is the second most common reason why I see a couple after an affair, but it’s short lived as the person with the exit strategy just wants help and/or confirmation to end things and get with the new person. This person is typically the guy who can’t handle being alone and looking for a way out. The main problem with these people is how can you ever really trust them to stay with you if they left someone else for your relationship?
- Resentful People: These people are scary to me – and super stupid. When these people have an affair, they say things like “But I deserve it,” or “But you don’t know what I had to put up with. My partner was the worst.” When this affair is found, there’s no remorse as resentment and contempt are too set into the cheater’s heart for them to care about the partner who is now devastated. Sometimes the affair starts innocently, but unlike “Hurt People,” these people have no remorse. They often don’t have fear or need to hide what they’re doing that well because their attitude is “Who are you to tell me what to do?” Sometimes the affair is simply becoming too close to someone else and there isn’t any physical attraction… to start. In an emotional affair, however, whether physical connection happens or not, if you start to put someone before your partner, that’s danger zone. As a straight man, if I put another man as my priority over my wife, I’ll have no attraction (gross), but that’s still an emotional affair as my heart cares more about this other person’s needs than my wife’s. If your partner is complaining how much time and energy is put into another person, this is potential emotional affair zone. If you brush off your partner’s concerns, you’re stupid. Whether it’s an affair or not, any contempt is dangerous and you should care about your partner’s feelings. Contempt is when we see ourselves as superior to someone else and deserving special treatment. In marriage, it’s the most dangerous feeling to set in because people become nasty and they can always find others to back them up (i.e. “Everyone says I’m right.”) as they blame the partner for being the problem and the one who should change while they refuse any responsibility. It’s this kind of attitude that can lead to the partner becoming “Hurt People” needing a coping tool. When this resentful person has an affair, there’s no chance of fixing the relationship unless the resentful person somehow accepts that they’re part of the problem and need to apologize, which is very unlikely. This category tends to be reserved for women, rich men, and teenagers.
- Want What They Want People: My social worker friend pointed this out to me, and it makes a lot of sense: When anyone is “the other woman” or “other man,” they are an aggressive personality who wants what they want. These people often find the “Hurt People” or the “Looking for a Way Out People” and they start to take care of them in some way until they eventually start pushing them to leave their marriage. These people are stupid because you should never try to break up a marriage (unless it’s for legal reasons). It doesn’t matter how bad a marriage may sound, you don’t steal someone away, and you’re only hearing one side of the story, so how do you really know what’s going on at home? Even if the original intention isn’t to have an affair, if you continue building an emotional connection with someone who is in a vulnerable spot, you are in a way a form of predator. People in a bad marriage are vulnerable and desperate, so if you try to “rescue” them, you’re actually a hindrance to healing; you are not the solution no matter what you tell yourself. If someone wants to leave the marriage, they need to do it on their own without your couching or encouragement. It’s not our job to “save” someone who is in a bad spot; even if you convince yourself that you’re the good person, you’re not. The worst is when these people find someone who is a “Hurt People” person who had no intention of leaving the marriage, but with constant pushing, this passive person coping with pain gives in and ends a marriage because they’re too weak to say no to this new interest they’re afraid of losing. By pushing someone to leave the marriage for you, you become Eve telling Adam to take the apple and then both your lives are never the same while at the same time causing devastation for the other people involved like the ex and the kids. Just because you want something or “feel” something, doesn’t mean you should pursue it. If I did that, I’d be 400 pounds of cookies and chocolate. It’s often what the heart wants that we should second guess.
These people are most likely women, but I have seen this with men who have power positions.
No matter what category, affairs are incredibly common and we need to be putting safeguards in our marriages to protect us and our partner from being stupid.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)