Hi, my name is Chad, and I am a recovering workaholic: (audience… at least the nice ones) “Hi Chad.” As a workaholic, trying to relax is generally more stressful for me than working; that makes total sense. But I’m a doer. I come from a family of doers, which is fantastic… and terrible… so I’m told. In the book Dealing with People You Can’t Stand, the authors use a scale that put Task Oriented people at one end (-10) and Social Oriented people at the other (+10). The middle between these two extremes is the healthy choice (0). My family background is like a -8 while my wife’s family background is more of a +8. This was a very fun mix. Our getting to understand each other phase was a delightful walk in a beautiful garden… in a rain storm with people trying to mug us. I basically say the difference between our families is mine would put off social time in order to get jobs down (we were uptight) while my wife’s family would put off doing jobs around the house in order to have social time (they were definitely not uptight, but they left jobs unfinished for years). Fortunately, my wife and I have both grown to a healthier middle or one of us would’ve needed a good lawyer… not for divorce. We’re good Christians, so we’d never do that. We would’ve needed a good lawyer because the other person would’ve just “disappeared” because as I said, we’re good Christians… I think that’s how that works. I have watched too many mobster movies. Interestingly enough, both extremes are at risk of putting work before family as the one will be drawn to the work and the other the social side of work.
In the Task Oriented category, I should point out that there is a difference between a workaholic and a jobaholic. For instance, I’m as a recovering workaholic, so I’m more likely to be around my family physically, but not be as engaged as I should be as I’m busy working on something (like a blog). A jobaholic, on the other hand, is more likely to neglect his family both physically and emotionally as he spends ridiculously long hours at work or locked in his home office doing work. The differences are important… they both suck, but they’re different.
Whether someone is a Task Oriented person or a Social Oriented person, there are many possible underlying reasons why they’d be this way and neglect their family. This leads to my typical answer to why people do things where we look at a list of possible intentions beneath the action. Last month I pointed out 48 reasons why someone might watch porn, and now I will point out a list of reasons why someone might choose work over their family. Similar to watching porn, most people neglect their families for reasons that aren’t about the partner even though it normally feels that way. As always, this list points out options for why someone would do the action in order to help give better educated guesses as to why this is happening. I suggest picking the top 3-5 reasons in this list as a starting point for addressing this problem. Personally, I’m a recovering workaholic, but my baby is so beautiful I can’t help but want to be around her. If a parent puts work first, there is definitely something going on that needs to be addressed because we should never willingly choose work over our families, especially because of the hurt that grows in the children and the resentment in the partner.
Reasons People Neglect Their Families for Work
- They feel the need to save/help people
- They want to feel “good enough”
- They’re trying to earn love
- They’re trying to prove something to someone whether a parent, boss, coworkers, wife, kids, etc.
- They want to impress someone
- They think if others like them they can like themselves
- They think that’s what a man/provider does
- That’s what they grew up seeing and they’re following in the same footsteps
- Their role model was super lazy and they’re trying to do the opposite
- They’re worried about the business failing
- It’s all about the money
- It’s for a sense of power, purpose, value, appreciation, or significance
- It’s to feel respected
- They feel better about themselves at work
- They feel confident at work like it’s where they belong
- They feel safer at work
- They love the praise they get at work
- It’s a temporary struggle in order to get a better position
- Work is the lesser evil
- Work is what gets them excited
- Their job has become an addiction
- Work expects too much and they’re trying to keep up
- Work expects too much and they won’t stand up for themselves
- They feel inferior and trying to hide it
- They’re in over their head at work and trying to catch up
- They’re doing a job they’re not skilled at
- They’re trying to learn how to be better at their job
- They’ve become like a servant to their boss
- They’re scared of the boss, management, or client
- They feel trapped in their job
- They’re afraid of being fired
- They can’t say no when they’re asked to do something
- They’re having an affair
- They’re trying to have an affair
- They’re planning on leaving the family
- They thinks they’ll make it up to the family later
- They hate household chores
- They hate who they are at home
- They’re hiding from their family whether spouse and/or kids
- They’re scared of the conflict at home
- It’s a distraction from something
- They think their family hates them, so they’re avoiding the family
- They resent or hate their spouse and/or kids
- They’re too hard on themselves
- They don’t have hobbies or anything else to do
- They’re just trying to get through life
Again, from this list consider what your 3-5 main reasons areas are as the starting point to see how you can change.
This week may you and/or whoever is struggling with neglecting the family because of work begin to see the underlying problems that are causing this damaging behaviour.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people