One of the most important things we can learn about communication is words mean very little. You know how we might hold onto words someone said to us from our childhood or something our spouse said when they were angry? Yeah, those are all things we should’ve thrown in the garbage a long time ago. Unfortunately, our brain likes to hold onto things to torture us. The big thing is recognizing what’s true and what’s a lie. When I was about eight, out of frustration my dad yelled, “You’re lazy and useless!” Or maybe he didn’t? Our memories can warp things over time to be meaner to us and/or to make someone sound worse. Let’s, however, assume he did say that. Was it true or a lie? In this case, he wasn’t far off. I had been lazy that day and I generally tried getting out of work in order to play with my toys (a child who tries to get out of work? Crazy, I know). Did my dad present himself properly? Absolutely not, and he’d be mortified if he knew that’s one of the only things I remember him saying to me. Unfortunately, traumatic moments tend to stick with us more, so we can learn from them. Whether that moment contributed to me being a workaholic is up for debate, but either way, I shouldn’t let that moment haunt me. It was a true statement, and in the end, I grew. I have since proven I have an excellent work ethic, and if my dad was alive, he’d be very proud. If he wasn’t proud? He would be dealing with his own issues and that wouldn’t be my problem. If something is a lie, let it go. If something is true and you don’t like it, change it or learn to accept it. Truth isn’t offensive; it’s just facts.
When I was twenty my older brother started dating a girl, which was a big deal because this was the first girlfriend either of us had (we were too busy being Casa Novas to commit… yes). They started saying I love you pretty quick (a rookie mistake), and I remember her saying it to him a day short of their month-a-versary. The next day she broke up with him (not the best way to celebrate a month-a-versary). Similarly I was told by a youth pastor that he loved me (in a brotherly love kind of way) and he soon backstabbed me harder than anyone else has in my life. Fortunately, I learned to protect myself from people like him, so I haven’t been as blindsided since. Ultimately, both of these situations taught me words mean very little while also leaving me scared of the words, “I love you,”: (person) “I love you,” (me) “Oh shoot, you’re about to screw me over.” (person) “Why would I do that?” (me) “That’s what saying ‘I love you’ means, isn’t it?” (person) “I think you’re damaged.” (me) “You nailed it… which is why I’m making up this random conversation in the middle of a lesson.”
Of course, when I claim words mean very little, I’m not saying we should have no problem lying to each other. We should be doing our best to be as appropriately honest as we can (being too honest makes you a jerk). I’ll work with parents and they’ll tell me their kids lie to them or spouses will wonder why their partner lies. There are three main reasons people lie:
- Fear: It can be a fear of hurting someone (i.e. they’re caring) or fear of getting in trouble (i.e. they’re selfish), but the result is the same, a lie. At least this category means if you address the fear you have a chance of preventing the fear leading to a lie in the future even if it’s as simple as teaching someone a good person faces the repercussions of their mistakes.
- Manipulation: This is the main reason lying can be so terrible. It’s hurting someone for your own gain like the dirty car salesmen wanting a sale at any cost.
- Love: Sometimes we need to lie. When my young kids show me something they drew, I’ll be very complimentary, but that picture is going into the recycling as soon as they walk away. Sometimes we lie because the truth can make you a jerk. We need to remember the goal. If my goal is “The loving thing is to say…” then great, but if it’s “I’m being selfish,” then it’s bad.
What makes lying trickier is some people lie to you, so there’s a chance the lie is easy to detect while others lie to themselves, so they fully believe what they’re saying. In those situations, they’re selling their story with perfect “truth” in their eyes, which makes it impossible to see the “lie” beyond logic proving them wrong.
Words are also frivolous because they can be interpreted differently, which recently got me in trouble:
- Wife: Why’d you send our daughter into see me when I was putting the baby down?
- Me: I didn’t.
- Wife: Yes, you did. I heard you. You told her where I was.
- Me: Yeah, [daughter] asked where you were, and I told her you were with the baby.
- Wife: See? You sent her to me.
- Me: No, I told her where you were. She should’ve known to leave you alone because you’ve told her not to bug you when you’re putting the baby down.
So who’s right in this situation? My wife thinks she is. I think I am, and there’s no convincing either of us otherwise. Perspective is definitely more powerful than words.
The best argument for words meaning very little is people saying, “I’m fine”: (me) “When you say you’re fine, do you mean you’re fine, fine, fine or fine?” Translation: “Are you actually fine, do you want space, are you processing something, or are you angry and I’m going to get in trouble later?” Silence can be just as confusing. Silence can mean the person is content, upset, thinking about something serious or random, or they could be punishing you. Communication is so much more than words. To understand someone we need to be considering:
- Tone: Tone can have a huge influence on what’s being said.
- Intention: It’s always good to consider the intention: Is that person trying to hurt me or did that come out wrong?
- Their energy: The right positive energy can help some people get away with saying anything. For instance, Ricky Gervais is a great example of someone who gets away with saying some outlandish things because he has such a playfulness to him.
- What We Know About Them: My friends know I’m sarcastic and I won’t use jokes to give hidden messages. A joke should be a joke. Who the person is has big effect and what they’re trying to say, especially if they like to joke.
- The Emotional State: Emotions like anger and fear make us dumb. People regularly say things they shouldn’t because of emotion.
- The Physical State: When our body needs something like food or sleep, it can get pretty nasty as social filters disappear when our body is off.
- Our Own Fear: Fears get in the way of how we speak and listen. For instance, people with a fear of conflict can struggle not to over think simple situations: “Is this the start of conflict… say something dumb to make it worse… wait, do I say something dumb or smart here?” I have a fear of repercussions, which takes fear of conflict to a whole new level. Yea, me.
Because communication is already so complicated, we need to remove any risk of the whole “read between the lines” idea. Good communicators never do this. Say what you mean and preferably with a social filter, so it’s said with kindness. I find women tend to be more “read between the lines,” but it’s often fueled by the goal of not appearing rude. Unfortunately, this causes them to be what they’re trying to avoid – rude. I find married men rarely to be “read between the lines” because we’re waaaayyy too lazy for that. We also don’t want to have to read between the lines from other people. We struggle to hear what’s actually said. Why would we want to try to go even deeper : (wife) “I’m fine.” (husband) “Great. Let me know if that changes.”
This week may you consider how frivolous words can be.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)