So despite all my schooling, being in a counselling position for 10 years, and being one of those people who spends way too much time over analyzing himself, I had a very strange realization the other day. I’m actually an extrovert. Now, people who know me will probably say: “Yeah, we know. How did you not see that?” Since my early 20s most people would say I am an extrovert, but I’d be adamant to say I’m an introvert who can put on a show. In fact, I know a number of therapists and teachers who would say the same thing about themselves. They’re a lot of fun in public, but they claim it’s all a show. As a child I was incredibly quiet, but now I see that’s not being introverted; that’s being shy and afraid of doing anything wrong. Again, two very different things. I also found in large groups I can feel overwhelmed unless I’m in charge or working somehow. My overall shyness began to settle down in my late teens, and I had the privilege of going on a group trip to Europe. At one point on this trip I needed to get away from the main group and I even overheard one girl say “What’s wrong with that guy? He turned down hanging out with girls in bikinis.” It’s true; I did… and no, I’m not gay. Until recently I figured this was a great example of how I was introverted because I needed a break from the main group. What’s stupid is I left the main group, but I wasn’t alone in my room to recharge like an introvert. I went to town with three friends. Um, Chad (aka me), that’s not being an introvert who needs to be alone to rejuvenate; thanks me, I see that now. More importantly, I turned down being with a group of girls in bikinis because they weren’t the group of girls in bikinis I wanted to be with. I wasn’t being introverted; I was being picky.
As a side note, I’m not crazy or stupid for being stuck on an idea despite the facts. People do this all the time. According to the book, The Power of Noticing, this is referred to as inattentional blindness. Ever hear of the experiment where you count the bouncing ball passes between a few people while a person in a gorilla walks through the scene but most people don’t notice because we’re too focused on counting the ball bouncing? Turns out I’m not stupid; I’m normal.
So how can you rethink whether you’re an extrovert when you’ve thought you’re an introvert? Here’s a few things that quickly made sense when I realized I’m an extrovert:
- Sensitive to People’s Energy: I’m highly sensitive to people’s energy. I can feel when someone is upset or happy, which is why I’m drawn to positive people and hate fighting. This is one of the reasons I love being around my mom so much; her cheerfulness is like fuel for me. This sensitivity to energy helps explain why I love comedy so much and why I can’t handle movies that don’t have happily ever after endings. This is also why I can stand in the middle of Main Street in a Disney park for hours and be content soaking in the positive energy.
- Feeling Overwhelmed in Crowded Places: I like being around people, but too many can be overwhelming. I used to say I felt claustrophobic when I was in crowded areas when really it was the overwhelming energy.
- People Can Wear Me Out: I can wear out if I’m around people for too long, but my best recharge is to see new positive people.
- Burn Out: Extroverts can burn out from being around too much negative energy and/or people too long, and need to be alone.
- Why I Like Late Nights: I love the quiet at night, but only when there are people nearby sleeping. There’s something calming about the energy of people sleeping. You’re not alone, but you can’t be interrupted.
- Prefer Travel in Groups: I much prefer going on vacation with a group because it allows me to bounce between people depending on who are positive at the time.
- Prefer Leadership: Being in leadership helps me control the energy of the group.
- Size of Family: I come from a family of five, so even at home I was always around people. Thus, I didn’t need to go to camp or to be on a lot of teams because I was always around people.
- Need to be Near People: Growing up I hated studying alone in my room. I much preferred being in the dining room where people would be frequently walking by or sitting with me reading.
- Hard to Focus in Class: In high school I did most of my schoolwork at home because in class I would rather be connecting with people.
- Limited Alone Time: I love writing, but I can only handle writing in isolation for so long before I need to be around people again to refuel.
- Living at Home: I never wanted to leave home because of the positive energy I felt there, especially if it meant I would be living on my own.
- Public Speaking: Public speaking is a challenge for me. I die if people are bored, and I tend to need to hear laughter for the energy. Working as a team was better because I could feed off the energy of my partners whereas doing stand up was brutal for me because the audience’s energy could crush me. Fortunately, I thrive at weddings because everyone is already in a good mood.
- Morning Issues: Waking up is hard for me, but it’s easier when I’m around people.
- Love Language: One of my love languages is physical presence (described in my book), which means I feel loved when I see people and/or they’re simply around. For instance, as a youth pastor, I felt cared about when people showed up to events even if we didn’t talk. And at a family dinner I can be happy doing dishes in the next room because I know family is near.
This week may you reconsider whether you’re an extrovert or not in order to better fuel yourself with energy.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people